How a simple Hawaiian practice shifted my perspective on pain, healing, and moving forward.
I have a good life. I live near the sea, I have a wife I love deeply, and my children have all grown into remarkable adults. Life feels settled and meaningful now — but it wasn’t always that way.
I grew up in an abusive household, constantly told I was worthless and unwanted That kind of messaging left scars. For years I overcompensated, chasing achievements and relationships in search of a sense of worth. I struggled to function in relationships, took risks that damaged me, and at one point, I even tried to end my own life.
One of the hardest things for me to understand was forgiveness. Why should I forgive people who had caused me so much pain? Wouldn’t that mean letting them “get away with it”? At the same time, I longed for forgiveness from those I had hurt. The contradiction was exhausting.
Then I came across a practice that shifted everything I thought I knew about forgiveness. It didn’t erase the past, but it gave me a way to let go of its grip on me and move forward with more awareness, acceptance, and compassion.
That practice is called Ho‘oponopono.
What is Ho‘oponopono?
Ho‘oponopono is a traditional Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. In its modern, simplified form, it is built around four simple but powerful statements:
- I’m sorry → I see the disharmony.
- Please forgive me → I ask for release.
- Thank you → I trust the process.
- I love you → I restore balance through love.
I’m not religious, and I’m not drawn to affirmations or spiritual trends, but saying these four lines with clear intention — while holding the person or situation in mind — has made a profound difference in my life.
Let me explain how it works for me.
Rethinking Forgiveness
For most of my life, I thought forgiveness was about “them.” If I forgave, it felt like I was excusing what they did. Eventually, I realised forgiveness is really about me.
I’m the one carrying the weight of anger and resentment. I’m the one whose life is diminished by holding on. Forgiveness isn’t about pretending something never happened; it’s about freeing myself from reliving it.
Of course, I also know that I’ve made mistakes, said and done things I regret. I’ve wanted forgiveness too. That helped me see forgiveness less as a transaction — either for me or for them — and more as a process that benefits everyone, starting with myself.That’s why I return to these four phrases. They give me a structure to work through past hurts, especially when I can’t or don’t want to talk to the other person — for example, if they’re no longer in my life. Obviously if I’ve said or done something to hurt someone even inadvertently, then of course I speak to the person and apologise personally.
How the Four Phrases Work
- I’m sorry
This isn’t about blame. It’s an acknowledgement of the pain inside me. I’m saying that I’m sorry that this memory, this anger, this situation is still living in me. I’m sorry for whatever part of me contributed to this conflict.
- Please forgive me
This opens space for healing. It’s about forgiving myself for holding onto the pain, for letting it replay in my mind, and for any role I played in the situation — knowingly or unknowingly. I remind myself: I did what I did as the person I was then, not as the person I am now.
- Thank you
This is where I shift into gratitude. Research shows gratitude changes mental functioning and supports wellbeing. I thank myself for the opportunity to let go. I give thanks for what I’ve learned and for the chance to grow.
For me, it turns the memory from a weight into part of my story — something that shaped me but no longer defines me.
- I love you
This was the hardest phrase for me. Over time, I’ve come to see it as loving the part of me that was hurt. It’s also about loving life enough to let love do its work in healing. And, when I can, I try to extend that love toward the other person — beyond their actions, (after all if I believe I was different then and doing what I thought was right at the time why are they any different).
A Simple Practice
When I use this practice, I take a quiet moment to focus on the person or situation. Then I say each phrase, slowly and with intention. I often say the words out loud —because hearing them seems to deepen their effect. (obviously I do this in private!)
It doesn’t erase what happened, but it loosens the hold the memory has over me. It helps me step out of blame and into balance.
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